My why for my mom…..

I read so many blogs and post about daughters dealing with the bad relationships they had or still have with their mothers, and I come across so many whys? They seem to have so many questions about their childhood, about how they were raised or why things happened. I read some that talk about how their mothers are so mean and abusive even now as adults and there is the question of why? There are so many unanswered questions, so much confusion and anger. I recently read a post about forgiveness for daughters and how maybe that is something they need to heal and move on. So many that are so heartbroken and still cry about what has happened with their mother daughter relationship and how they need answers. As I read this article and I scroll through the comments from daughters who seem so unloved my own questions start to form. But my questions are to the unloved daughters, why? I just want to ask them, but I know it sounds so rude and could cause more pain, but why? Why does it matter to them so much to have these answers, why do they need to know? Does it really matter now that they are adults and have children of their own? If they get the answers to all these questions do they think it is going to change the past or make it anymore easier. After reading these blogs, post and comments I began to form my own questions. My own set of whys were far different from the rest and my mind began searching for answers. My whys were as follows; why don’t I care that my mom didn’t raise me, why don’t I care that she wasn’t involved with me or formed and bond? Why don’t I cry or miss her, why don’t I think of her when I need someone to talk to? When I am scared I don’t need her, when I need advice I don’t turn to her. After all the things that she has said or done I do not have one why for her. I began to think that there must be something wrong with me not her, so I needed to understand my only why. Then I began to think about my oldest daughter and it all became easier to understand. Although some may not think my answer fits or understand it I came to a conclusion that helps me. Now when I think of my oldest daughter I think of how proud I am of her. Shes amazing shes great at everything, shes smart shes beautiful shes my all shes my first love. My oldest daughter, my first born is where my strength began. What would happen to my life if anything was to happen to her? The thought of her being hurt or lost in his world instantly brings me to tears, fear and anxiety overwhelm me and the need to protect at all cost is present. With those thoughts and feelings I come to one conclusion as to my mom and why I don’t have questions for her. MY MOM IS SELFISH AND WEAK! Shes selfish because all she thought about was what was best for her, but shes mostly weak. My mom is weak because all the feelings and emotions that come with being a parent are to much for her. Love, stress, fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, joy, happiness, and being proud was just to much for her. My mom is simply not strong enough to understand all the feelings and emotions of being a mom, and for that I have no why for her. She will never know what what it is to feel so much love for a child. My mom will never be able to catch a phrase in a movie and relate to it. To my mom it will be just a movie with no meaning because she can’t understand it enough to relate…….my greatest love, my greatest sorrow…….

As she walked away

Its that time again GRADUATION!!!!! Although I graduated many years ago from High school this year I feel a bit bothered. I have been thinking about the day I graduated it did not seem to mean much, I don’t think anyone was excited just seemed to be another day. The reason I have found myself thinking about that day is because of my mom. I do no talk to her, but there still is anger I guess. I say I guess because that’s what she calls it as for me I’m not sure what to call it because I’m not sure how to feel or what i feel towards her. I know she is attending her step-daughters graduation, she even posted on Social Media how proud she is of her. Which is why I have been thinking about the day I graduated. I clearly remember her coming up with some excuse about why she couldn’t stay although I don’t remember what it was I know I didn’t question it. I stood in the parking lot in my cap and gown as she walked away, and once again she turned it into another day about her it wasn’t my day anymore. But I also didn’t want to argue after all she was in doubt that I was going to walk across that stage. I remember for about three days she kept asking me if I was sure I was even graduating. The day of the rehearsal she told me just because my name was there did not mean I was. The day of graduation I told her if I got up there and they did not call my name I would take the diploma of the girl next to me then return it after the ceremony. That was my way of bringing a joke to make things feel better and ignore all the doubt she would make me feel. I guess as a parent she could have and should have gone down to the school and asked questions, but then again only involved parents seem to do that.